JUST YOUR AVERAGE FAMILY FUNERAL
Before I start on the 'funeral of the day', let me say how glad I was to note that nearly 120,000 like-minded citizens also took to the phone or keyboard and complained about the total overkill of the BBC's coverage last Friday relating to Prince Philip's passing. I won't go on... no really!, but I only came across the re-scheduled 'House of Games' by chance, before enjoying the final of 'Masterchef ' six days later than expected, the transmission date of which was thankfully announced in advance.
And so, eight days on and the public will be invited to watch the small family funeral take place from the comfort of their own homes, not only in this country but across the world. The public are also being discouraged from visiting the family's abode in Windsor. As I said, it is a small covid-restricted affair limited to thirty people as against the eight hundred that would have attended the do, should that dratted virus not got in the way and buggered up the whole proceedings.
One comment, made by someone who should know better, caused me a little head shaking prior to an 'Oh dear, oh dear' followed by 'What is the man thinking of?' This referred to Jeremy Vine musing that the funeral will be attended by thirty 'white' people. What does he expect, fifteen members of PP's closest to be replaced by Masai Mara warriors, Aborigines, Maoris and Sikhs in order that the Commonwealth can be represented? A totally unnecessary comment but sadly to be expected from someone working within the cloistered world of the Black and Asian Broadcasting Corporation.
The media, particularly the Beeb, are constantly dropping the fact that like any 'normal family' holding a funeral during these trying times, masks will be worn and social distancing will be adhered to. I read that the whole affair will be conducted in an informal manner ie. no military uniforms weighed down by insignia, bangles, baubles and sashes handed out just for who the wearer is/was, though certainly not for genuine involvement with a regiment or service prior to attainment of high military rank.
It was with a wry smile - not the first and certainly not the last - that I noted around 730 soldiers will be in attendance. 730? I wasn't aware the Army had that many soldiers to call upon, presumably we've brought everyone back from their overseas postings just to be there and make it a jolly good show. Note to Taliban: 'If you're thinking about attacking someone - anyone! - then this weekend would be as good as any, if not better than most I'd say... 'The Arsebishop of Canterbury will be performing the ceremony in the family chapel at the other end of the garden. PP will be driven to his resting place in a converted Land-Rover he helped design - Oh, and haven't the media laboured that little point of trivia! Still, as has been mentioned, it is only a small family do.
What I find amusing is the planning that has gone into who walks alongside who in the cortege. The idea of cousin Peter equidistant between Princes William and Harry makes for mental playfulness! Does the Lord Chamberlain, who I understand is tasked with organising this low-key, though not low-budget event, envisage a 'set-to' between Wills and H? One can only imagine the conversation taking place as all and not much sundry make their way in solemn procession...
W (Sniffily) 'I see you came alone then, only enough money for one flight now your allowance has been cut?'
H (Aghast) 'Certainly not! Me-again... I mean Meghan was advised not to travel on medical grounds due to her condition.'
W (Mischievously) 'What condition? Do you mean the condition you've put her in so as to double the number of 'dubious heritage offspring' we'll have in the family, not that Jeremy Vine wouldn't be in chocolate covered clover, or maybe a condition she imposed before you left, just to make sure you abide by her Yankee rules - and the Yank does rule!'
H (Pretty peeved) 'Good job I'm not wearing school... I mean military uniform or I'd shove my ceremonial sword up your Harris!'
W (Sneering mode) 'Netflix deal not looking so rosy Bruv?'
CP (Enjoying middle, if not centre stage) 'Oh really you two, this is no time to bicker, it's bad enough having Uncle Andrew's little peccadillos aired in public let alone allowing a Z-lister into an A-listed family...'
I could go on but then it be called a novel! CP by the way refers to Cousin Peter... And I am aware that there should be a 'whatsit 'over the first 'e' in cortege, but I'm buggered if I can find it on the keyboard and I've only got so much time left to live!
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